Friday, April 28, 2006

The Curious Incident of the Shag in the night-time.

Recent events have brought a certain kind of enterprise into the limelight, 'The Data Collection Agency'. Yes - Those lucky bastards, who get paid, to ask people questions like how big is your..., how frequently do you… and it is really really that good? It is well known that these agencies, often with extremely creative names like ABC and ONG and SEX to beat competition from others of their ilk kidnap and masquerade as the person they are surveying if he refuses to answer such questions. This is widely believed to be the main cause of the spread of AIDS in Africa and the rise in number of female suicides in southern India, not to mention the rise in the number of devdasis.

 This shocking truth was recently brought to light when it was found that a certain Mr. Pravin Mahajan, an employee of MNS, another one of these agencies, was found threatening an unrelated Mr. Pramod Mahajan, when he refused to answer the said survey. The subsequent inquest has revealed that Mr. Pravin, totally predetermined to eek out a response out of Mr. Pramod, went to the latter’s house at around 8 p.m. on last Saturday night. Finding Mr. Pramod occupied with his urologist, Mr. Pravin is said to have told Mr. Pramod to “get a life”, apparently referring to his activities on a Saturday night. This, the urologist claims, was the final nail in the coffin for an already depressed Mahajan, who promptly proceeded to choke on the condom which he was learning to wear.

 Mr. Pramod was then shifted immediately to the local Bandra Billi dance bar to alleviate his depression. Still conscious, he is quoted to have said, “Thank god for the Supreme Court!”. His family, extremely shocked by the turn of events, has pledged to stay beside Mr. Pramod, this of course excludes his wife – who was later revealed to be an employee of RSS, a major rival of the aforementioned MNS. Latest news coming in however reveals details of a lady who is said to be the star attraction of the said “Bandra Billi Dance Bar”. “The resemblance to meemsaab is both striking and uncanny” says Ramu, the Mahajans’ loyal manservant of 15 years. News is also coming in of a further deterioration of Mr. Mahajan’s condition after he too is said to have remarked something to a similar effect – “She is my goddamn wife! “

 Meanwhile, the reasons for this extremely cold and heinous attack are still unclear. Mr. Pravin Mahajan, the police have found, had been extremely lax in completing his quarterly targets as he was extremely occupied preparing his daughter for her life-determining FYJC examinations. It was under this pressure, the police speculate, that he tried to strong-arm Mr. Mahajan into submission. Other reasons include a professional jealousy and if his lawyers are to be believed “he suffers from a similar condition as Mr. Mahajan, but with a hint of homophilia”

 Today as Mr. Pramod Mahajan lies forlorn, and broken, his promising career in Spoken English virtually over, he looks upon his days in engineering college when this depression is said to have set in. That and a bloody BSNL connection are the reasons, he says, for his being in the state he is. As for Mr. Pravin Mahajan, he is just an immediate cause. Today, he is out of jail, thanks to a nice cozy settlement paid for by a company called Dereks, one of MNS’ primary clients. Sitting by his lush-green lawn outside his Peddar Road bungalow Mr.Pravin has just one advice to offer to give, to engineering students in particular – “get a life!”

8 comments:

maverick said...

one witnesses an increase in the *dirty* content of your posts, something you always pointed fingers at me for...wonder what triggered the change.

one things for sure...i aint complaining

Kunal said...

>>"Mahajan, who promptly proceeded to choke on the condom which he was learning to wear."

Why? Was he also confused as to which one was for chewing and which one was for doing?

Abhishek said...

Kunal, that was because as a kid he always adored strawberry.

And kapeesh - as JR once wrote to me : "I am a victim of my image, how else could i've enjoyed Seinfeld, Coupling etc."
same applies.

maverick said...

'tis u that create the image...tis u thats the victim...
hehe

Anonymous said...

"The subsequent inquest has revealed that Mr. Pravin, totally predetermined to eek out a response out of Mr. Pramod, went to the latter’s house at around 8 p.m. on last Saturday night."

Eke, not eek.

maverick said...

what did pramod mahajan say about pravin's advice??

no matter who gets a life or who doesnt...i'll sure get u a "lifer"
;-)

Abhishek said...

anonymous sir, yes typo noted, but unfortunately my 4.8 kbps connection does not lend itself to immediate correction so patience adviced.

Anonymous said...

er... adviSed!