Thursday, February 10, 2005

My College - 219999850 years from now.

(Yes, i'm thinking lets call it alongtime centenary, may be to spice it up tes-pui-alongtime centenary)

Yes friends i'm sticking my neck out - (not that i'm sure i'll have a neck after a tes-pui-alongtime centenary but why take a chance - if i'll have it i will stick it out). Anyway all i'm trying to do, is try and be a Kalam (imagine how long his hair would be after a tes-pui-alongtime centenary) and speak out to 'mere pyare vidyarthi mitro' (i'm assuming he would have learnt hindi after a tes-pui-alongtime centenary). So here goes -

" You see I had said to you before you had this .. umm... ah yes tees-poi-alentem centenary i.e after 150 years of your college that may this college prosper till the sun goes around the galaxy. I had said at that time that it requires 220 million years to achieve that. But since then the nation has managed to get enough money from Veerappan's secret bank account which they discovered under the name of RS Lodha ( for the uninitiated it was a unanimous decision taken by the Intergalactic Monetory Fund to scrap the making of wills and pass on all fortunes to RS Lodha about 200 million years back) that they were able to bribe enough of George Bush's 'advisors' to convince him to wage a war on Alpha Centauri 1 because they confirmed reports of Osama Bin Laden hiding there. George Bush even quit playing golf in ensuring research money to produce the intergalactic-earthbooster system which has helped us revolve around the centre in (tes-pui-alongtime centenary/2) years. (Those who were wondering why Osama still hasn't been caught, Bush insisted that we turn the boosters in the opposite direction to get his ball back so that he could tee off at the 15 and reduce his handicap of 10^56). However i am sure none of you must be aware of such basic metaphysical changes because all your old text books which contained the future of science ( it's possible to travel faster than light, electrons can be negatively charged, Bush's handicap is 1) have now been modified to the then correct values.

I feel such a pleasure to visit these hallowed (I'm thinking my speech writer meant hollow) halls again that I wish those stupid people quit testing PEPSI and get to work at the only thing your college has that no other college can every have - The Mulla River. This is a virtual haven for environmentalists to test their skills (after Bush's brain) & if fishes had fortunes Lodha would have been InterGalactic President by now. Anyway I must congratulate your college for educating all your teachers (in a training camp that took 219999850/2 years ) that a singular object has a plural verb. I would also like to congratulate all those people who finally got a project shortlisted for TechFest in paper presentation for their seminal work titled "Mathematical Analysis of Bush's swing and it's co-relation with increasing pollution in the Mulla. "I would also like to heartily welcome what seems like a going back to the 'under the tree - Gurukul' system of teaching because that is all that I see here.

I have had a wonderful time, coming back to these beautiful umm.. environs and would like to come back again when your college has finished inventing a name for 440 billion years - time taken for Bush to get a handicap of 1. Till then I hope scientist have invented a meter which can measure frequencies much beyond the realm of human imagination (which has been calculated to be about 2 mm - yes one dimensional, in a path-breaking book, 'The Human Mind, It's Length and Its Young's Modulus" by Japanese scientist Aatatari Ooduka) to measure the college's identity crisis frequency(A term now denoted ny the symbol COEP) Till then goodbye to everyone at umm let me see what is it now ? - aah. COEP. "

(A certain Vilasrao Deshmukh interrupts saying I hereby declare that my son will only sign films, which ensure that 'COEP cha naav badlu naka' is printed as a social message" and also a certain TV set groans Damn, where's the ball?)


(Credits - a certain Vinod Jee who introduced me to this genre of writing)

For the Uninitiated see this

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