Sunday, March 20, 2005

Alfalfa with Abhishek

(Cover Song - Images of green pastures with cows grazing. These hybrid, high milch, high yield cows incidentally have morphed pictures of film stars, well endowed society types, high society butterflies as faces (with a find-a-picture-of-me-among-those-cows teaser leaked in the media) with 'I will light the fire' playing in the background.)

Me: Today my guest on this show is truly a personality that has in all respects, finally arrived. He till now had everything one needs to survive - money, acclaim and popularity, but lacked that essential something needed to be a real strong horse in the industry. We have seen him in many roles and in various capacities as the quintessential funnyman or the non-existent, psychopathic, weirdly irrational Actor in a Negative Role (sic). Yes friends we are talking of none other that the extremely gifted, the extremely talented, the extremely funnyman of Bolywood, Mr. Shakti Kapoor himself.

(muted applause from People for Objectionable Racketing of Nudity as SK and me shake hands. He refuses to hug/kiss even though we both are gay.)

Shakti Kapoor: (Taking to Alfalfa like a fish to water) Hmm.. this tastes good. Is it intoxicating?

Me: Welcome to the show Shaktiji, how does it feel being here?

SK: Ya, ya feels great - after a long time I am facing a camera, one that is not hidden that is. You see I had become so accustomed to facing the hidden camera that yesterday when I went to the shoot, I started to hit the hero (and hit-on the heroine) even before the director said Action. Actually I wanted to hit him anyway because he refused to meet my good friend Ruchi at this particular 5-star. You see this hidden camera revolution is amazing, you save a lot of time. No reshoots, no action, shot, scene etc time pass. Ya it feels good. Real good!

Me: You recently achieved what everyone dreams of. An amazing 156.35 minutes of video footage was dedicated to you on national television. In fact your tape was so popular that apart from the subtitles in Oriya, even a special Braille version is expected soon.

SK: Ya ya actually Rajat Kapoor said 'are bhai kisi doosre ko lete hai' - but being an old friend, he helped me so that I could fast-forward my divorce case in the courts. I am getting impatient for Elton you see. As for the Braille version, the complete credit goes to 'my-good-friend' S.L.Bhansali jisne apni leela firse dikha di. Actually he is going to insert small advertorials for his next film 'Couchie Coo' in between the text. Actually SLB must now be watching this from Bang-a-lore where he is trying out a few girls for this role.

Me: On that note I heard that you are wearing some fabulous clothes in this movie.

SK: Now naughty boy, I am a stickler for privacy, I am not going to tell you - I hate revealing outfits

Me: But you said you loved the dress that Ruchi was wearing.

SK: About that I would like to clarify that this allegation is completely false, biased and politically motivated. It is media crusade to defame me and to erase my good name that I have created through tireless hardwork, dedication and suffering in this industry. I have said it a hundred times and now say it again - 'I never got time to see what she was wearing.'

Me: Oh! I see. Now Salman Khan and other members of the film fraternity have come out strongly in your support. How does that make you feel?

SK: Oh I tell you, it feels wonderful. When you have the love support and backing of the entire industry I feel reassured that my 25 years of playing roles involving hasna-hasana, the occasional rapist and the more frequent mentally retarded chap have not gone down the drain. Also most of these people were my 'good-friends' you see.
(I thought I would mention, being a method actor to the core SK practices diligently and lives and dresses exactly like his roles, working esp. hard when the occasional sane, rational person comes up)

Me: Now Shaktijee we move onto one of the best sections on the show. Its called 'Grazing through the Rapids'. It is basically a rip-off of that famous show which no doubt you watch (since it comes before Baywatch) so I will not take the trouble of explaining the rules.

The Best moment in your career:
The time I did signed 'Mogambo Khush Hua'. It is basically Mallika Sherawat's dad's production (I mean the film) in which I play Mogambo (why do you think Amrish Puri died so early) and Mallika runs and runs so that she has to cross my bodyguards like Mran #mi, Neha Dudhpiya and the like. Oh watch out for that one. It will be released as soon as Abhishek Bachchan lets go of that tape.

The Worst Moment of you career:
Actually you can't call it career, but how did I miss that skirt man!

SLB or Salman Khan

Rajat Kapoor or Maneka Gandhi
Shoaib Illyasi

(I let out a grunt to indicate subtly that the names after the questions indicate options- which basically means, man you have to choose one of those two, not anything but those two!)

India TV or NDTV

(No use)

The Best Movie you have seen in recent times
Actually I thought I was the best, but Aman - tu toh chupa rustom nikla.

(NOTE: Some parts of this segment have been abruptly cut out to make the comments seem misquoted and thereby more effective. Other reasons for the same include ensuring approval by Food Development Authority who would have definitely objected to the high cheesy content and some comments SK made I could not hear due to excessive chanting of 'My Hero' by some members of PORN. Anybody having a damn problem with this can appeal against it under some goddamn act whereby they would take 20 goddamn years to get us a penalty of a 100 bucks. They are better advised to enjoy it.)

Let us continue..

Me: Actually we were going to also call Ruchi on this show but she said that she had an important appointment with some talk show host in an hour from now, and thus couldn't make it. So the proud winner of this 'Finest quality, original imported from the Savannah Alfalfa Hamper' is the one and only 'You'.

SK: I would like to thank my producers, Rajat, Maneka, Shoaib you guys were wonderful. I would also like to thank Ruchi without whom this would not have been possible. .....zzz....zzz.... and finally my dear 'Elton' who stood by me through thick and thin - this one is for you.

Me: Thank you Shaktijee for sparing us some of your valuable time. It was wonderful talking to you.

SK: Thank you Abhishek, umm.. this tastes good.

Me: So that was the ever ebullient, ever straightforward, ever condescending Shakti Kapoor. If you want to win this exclusive Alfalfa Drink Mug personally kissed by Shakti Kapoor then SMS 'Myhero' to 7676. Now I need to be proceeding towards interviewing a few new faces for my new film 'Abe'.
Till next time then - cya,

[ This interview in no way attempts to prove or disprove the existence of anything that you claim it tries to. It is a mere social comment - because I could no longer bear to hear Krish Shrikant speak (Pali was it ?) nor see Bucknor's vile attempt at replacing the universal sign of disgruntlement by the Index finger. If anyone's feeling are hurt then please note down this number- 022-7652046 Thane Mental Hospital. Also all data in this interview is apocryphal - any similarities to the truth is to some extent co-incidental and to large extent pure luck.]

No comments: